Folks, today’s story is most likely a true story. It took place between game 1 and game 2 of the NBA Finals. What you’re about to read is a factual account of what some are calling the greatest theft of all time.
The Golden State Warriors had just lost their first NBA Finals game in over two calendar years at the hands of the Toronto Raptors. The team morale was down because they know they didn’t play up to their potential. Steve Kerr just got done firing off a tweet bashing President Donald Trump before he addressed his team.
Steve Kerr: Alright team, that was a tough loss last night. I enjoyed spectating the game greatly. Before we begin our team meeting, I’d like to do our daily tradition of everyone saying something nice to Ayesha Curry so she feels attractive.
Draymond Green: Hey Ayesha, if you were a guy I definitely wouldn’t cheap shot you in the nuts. That’s how attractive I find you.
Kevin Durant: I have lots of nice things to say to you, Ayesha, so I’ll just tweet them at you for the whole world to see.
Kevin Durant drafted a thoughtful tweet and hit send. Ayesha’s phone began to buzz.
Ayesha Curry: Awww, @OKCBlunder69 just told me that I’m “smart, sexy, and beautiful.” Kevin, I thought you said you were going to tweet me something nice!
Kevin Durant: Oh, whoops, one second….
The rest of the team continued to say nice things to Ayesha while Steve Kerr did a line of cocaine in the team bathroom. Drake entered through the locker room doors and made his appearance known.
Drake: I TOLD YOU! No one goes through the true north and gets out alive! Bend the knee, bitches! Beating us is going to be harder than my music is.
Klay Thompson: Drake, have you ever listened to your music? It’s softer than Kevin Durant and Ayesha Curry’s combined self-esteem.
Drake: Man, fuck y’all! It’s a lot harder to be vulnerable and in tune with your emotions than just rap about doing drugs and hooking up with women.
Ayesha Curry: Make a rap about hooking up with me, Drake!
Steph Curry: Come on Drake, your eyes are wetter than my jump shot when you record your music.
Everyone in the Warriors locker room began to laugh at Drake. He felt so embarrassed that this team thought so lowly of him.
Drake: MAN FUCK THIS! I hope you guys beat us in 6 now instead of 5. I’m gonna go play “Marvin’s Room” on repeat and cry this one out all by myself!
Drake was furious. The team huddled up in the middle of the locker room so that their favorite cheerleader, Steve Kerr, could lead them in a chant. Just before Drake exited the room, he looked into Kevin Durant’s locker and saw his two championship rings sitting there.
Drake: Oh yeah? They don’t think I’m hard? This will show them!
Drake took both of Kevin Durant’s championship rings and left the room crying. Kevin Durant went back to his locker and noticed the two rings missing almost immediately.
Kevin Durant: Okay, very funny. Who took them?
Steve Kerr: Took what, Kevin?
Kevin Durant: My championship rings! They were sitting right here just before we huddled up. It’s not a funny joke to steal something that I worked so hard for! Who took them?!
Durant looked around and couldn’t figure out who stole his rings. Frustrated, he began to sob uncontrollably. The entire Warriors team joined in on the sobbing to practice for when the referees make a call against them in game 2. After crying for 45 minutes, it finally hit Kevin Durant.
Kevin Durant: Oh my goodness….what if…Drake?
Klay Thompson: He wouldn’t do that! He’s from Canada. They’re not hard here.
Kevin Durant: Let me DM Drake to see if he stole my rings!
At this point, Kevin Durant got his phone out and DM’d Drake on twitter. Drake’s phone began to buzz. He picked it up and read a message that said, “I know you took my rings. Give them back or I’m gonna tell my mom, who was the 2014 NBA MVP, on you.”
Drake: Who the fuck is @RussellWORSTbrook47?
Drake then quickly realized that Kevin Durant was on one of his burner accounts again so he messaged him back and said, “Meet me on top of the CN Tower. Bring Steve Kerr and no one else. If you contact the authorities or bring any of your other teammates, I’m melting your rings down and distributing them out piece-by-piece to all of the citizens of Canada except for Trevor Knapp!”
Kevin Durant read this and began to weep uncontrollably.
Kevin Durant: Nooooo! Coach, will you come to the CN Tower with me to get my rings back?
Steve Kerr: Sure, it’ll be the first time I’ve had to do anything since you joined the Warriors so I don’t mind.
Kevin Durant and Steve Kerr embarked on their quest to the CN Tower. It took forever to get there because Steve Kerr kept asking every homeless person if they could sell him some meth because he’d gone 20 minutes without a hit.
They arrived at the CN Tower and met Drake at the top floor.
Drake: Well, well, well……if it isn’t Kevin Durant and Steve Kerr. The two biggest bitches in the entire NBA.
Kevin Durant started to cry after Drake called him a bitch.
Kevin Durant: Would you look who it is, coach, it’s Aubrey Graham?
Drake started to sob uncontrollably since Kevin Durant called him by his real name. The crying lasted for about a half hour and then security busted through the doors.
Security Guard: I’ve got a visual on it!
Kevin Durant: Visual on what?
Security Guard: Holy shit! It’s talking! Get me the tranquilizer gun!!!
At this moment, the security guard shot Kevin Durant with the tranquilizer gun and he immediately hit the floor.
Security Guard: Sorrey there, eh. No animals are allowed in the CN Tower. This is one of the biggest snakes I’ve ever seen!
The security guards put Kevin Durant into a cage and they planned on relocating him into a safe sanctuary where he can roam freely with other snakes in the wild. Meanwhile, Drake and Steve Kerr were in a standoff.
Drake: Well here we are. You want these rings back? We have to fight for them.
Steve Kerr: Bring it on bitch! I played in the NBA in case you didn’t know that.
The two men charged at each other fiercely. They were running at each other at an average speed since neither of these guys were athletes. Drake opened his palm and slapped Steve Kerr in the face. Both men started crying.
Steve Kerr: MY BACK!!!! OWWW!!! MY BACK!!! I WANT MY MOMMY!!!!!
Drake: AHHH!! MY HAND!! I THINK IT’S BROKEN!!! AHHHHHHH!!!
Steve Kerr: See, this is why violence isn’t the answer. It only leads to people being more hurt. We should have done something constructive about our anger towards one another like send passive aggressive tweets to President Trump. That’s literally my favorite hobby.
Drake: You’re right. But now that Kevin has been relocated to that snake sanctuary. What are we going to do with his rings?
Steve Kerr: I know exactly what to do.
The two men walked out of the CN Tower holding hands down the streets of Toronto. Their destination was on the next corner. They walked in through the door of the stoor and met the clerk.
Steve Kerr: Hey there, friend. How much will you give us for these?
Pawn Shop Clerk: About $45 dollars.
Steve Kerr: For each?
Pawn Shop Clerk: No, both.
Steve Kerr: Drake, is that enough to get some crack in Canada?
Steve Kerr: We have a deal!