Things in sports that I want to see happen before climate change inevitably kills us all

Pontiac Silverdome Stadium

Folks, according to scientists climate change is coming to get us all. While I know many scientists have predicted that the climate change would have ended the world by the year 2000 or according to the brilliant Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez 2030, USA today is reporting that climate change could kill us all by 2050.

A chilling Australian policy paper outlining a Doomsday scenario for humans if we don’t start dealing with climate change suggests that by 2050 we could see irreversible damage to global climate systems resulting in a world of chaos where political panic is the norm and we are on a path facing the end of civilization.

The worst thing about it, say experts, is that it’s actually a fairly calm and rational look at just how bad things could get — and how quickly — if humans don’t stop emitting greenhouse gases into the environment.

The scenarios “don’t seem that far-fetched to me. I don’t think there’s anything too crazy about them,” said Adam Sobel, a professor of applies physics and mathematics at Columbia University in New York City who studies atmospheric and climate dynamics.

Terrifying stuff to read from scientists who have most likely never been wrong before.

Anyways, here’s a list of things in sports I’d like to see before we all die. They’re not ranked in any particular order but I’d like to see all of these things.

1. The Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl

I want this to happen on one condition: It happens right before the world gets sent into oblivion by climate change. I want the last thing for the human race to remember to be the Cleveland Browns hoisting the Vince Lombardi trophy. Hopefully by then we still have football and it’s not played with flags but even if it is then it would still be epic.

2. Tom Brady retires

I think we can all admit that we’re tired of Tom Brady. Many people think he’s still going to play for another five years and I pray to God that doesn’t happen. It’s not because he’s supremely talented (he’s not) but it’s because I’m tired of everyone incessantly riding his dick. If he retires the Patriots still may unfortunately be good because he’s a system QB but the hope is that he’d take the master of everything Bill Belichick with him.

3. The MLB puts a professional baseball team in Miami

Miami is a beautiful city in southern Florida with many different offerings. It’s a place rich with culture and great food. It’s also one of the first American cities that will fall when climate change comes out of the sky and drops climate bombs on us. So hopefully before then the MLB decides to expand and include Miami so that way the great people of that city can have a few good years of baseball before they become the lost city of Atlantis.

4. The Giants move on from Eli Manning

As a Giants fan I’ll always love the contributions that Eli Manning has made to my team but I’m concerned that they’ll never move on from him. If we have 31 years left of being alive according to the USA Today report then I sincerely hope the Giants find a better alternative at QB.

5. Major League Soccer gets their shit together

I love soccer. I think it’s a great sport and I enjoy watching it. That being said, the MLS is horrid and I’d really like it if they could get their shit together before the entire world dies. I’d love to see some high quality soccer right here in the United States. The MLS is run like shit and it’s ruined our national team as well. Horrible stuff. Get it together MLS.

6. The Dallas Cowboys win a Super Bowl again

Jk. I hope this never happens.

7. Lebron James buys an NBA team and nobody wants to play for it

Since Lebron has spent his entire career trying to be like Michael Jordan by taking his number and trying to win championships even if it means selling out, it would be cool to see him buy a team in the future just like MJ did. The only difference is that I’d like it to be a complete shit show. It would be absolutely hilarious if nobody wanted to play for the team and it ended up failing miserably. He’d probably drown himself in vino and be an even worse influence on his son.